I miss you - I will go on until the end
by Arydubhe
Summary: Moblit is an irreplaceable person in Hanji's life, but she relizes it far too late, only when he dies. Regret is what makes her suffer now...but a new resolution is born from this tragedy. Little Mobuhan-thing...if there's love or just friendship between the two, is up to you to decide.


_I apologize in advance for any grammar mistake you might find...Unluckily, English is not my first language, because I am Italian... I hope you will be able to appreciate my work anyway - overall, it should not be that bad a reading, rest assured XD! By the way, I will gladly listen to your advice, so feel free to tell me exactly what you think, that will help me improve :3._

 **I MISS YOU  
I WILL GO ON UNTIL THE END**

When I woke up in a bed at the hospital after the battle, a sudden and agonizing pain run through my body.

I had completely lost my sight in the left eye, I realized, and my nose was broken. Hematomas were pretty everywhere.

But the deepest scar I found, that day, was not any of those on my nose nor that in my eye. What was making me suffer... Was the sudden realization that I had lost the most loyal assistant anyone could hope for... And the most dedicated friend who always used to put _my_ safety and well-being on top of everything...even his life itself.

Moblit was gone in order to save me. He was gone for good.

The image of his desperate attempt to cover my body to protect me was carved deeply in my memory. The blast was so unexpected that I, in first place, had no time to realize what was happening.

But he was ready. Ready to take my place, ready to push me away from the explosion. He was watching over me as always, like the angel he was.

I had no time to say him goodbye. To thank him. To apologize.

He just... passed away due to the explosion.

He died, carrying away a part of my heart. Because I wasn't expecting that tragedy to happen, I wasn't expecting to lose him so soon. All the time I had been acting as if Moblit was untouchable, umbreakable; as if he was supposed to always be there anyway; a certainty so assured that there was no reason to be afraid of his absence, because he was supposed to exist there with me as my shadow, as my breath, implicit and necessary at the same time, two sides of the same coin.

He had been by _my_ side for so many years... I ended up thinking about him as a part of me, or better, as the reliable and accountable part of me I naturally missed, reckless as I naturally was...

So only now I was understanding... That I had always asked him so much, definitely too much... Eventually stealing him his life as well. It was undoubtedly _my_ fault if he wasn't there anymore.

I wollowed and dwelled a lot if I was allowed to take part at his funeral, if I was _deserving_ to stand in front of his dead body, just a boy who died in my place in order to grant me another chance, to give more time, and thus the opportunity to fulfill my wishes, to keep living.

Again, he had been the one to give up his life in echange for mine.

I was ashamed of myself.

Thinking well, though, that was the reason why I _had_ to go. Regret is belated and unuseful, but...even though there was a reason to justify everything I had done so far and mybehavior, I couldn't refrain but feeling I had been too insensitive, ungrateful, giddy and nonchalant towards him.

During the ceremony I did my best not to cry. I watched for a long time his burned face and body, to impress it in my mind; I stared at the coffin filled with flowers and written messages; I brought with me a bottle of that whiskey he loved to drink and made him a well-known drunk hard - mainly for my fault, again- and I raised a toast for him in the afterlife.

Smiling, because everything he struggled to do every single day was in order to let me free to be cheerful and bright, to be the shiny and silly and extrovert type I naturally was and the regiment needed. He burdened his shoulders in my stead with the exact aim of lighten mine, as heavier he could.

So that day as well, in the day of Moblit's burial... I smiled and laughed.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Even at the risk to see my aims misjudged and msunderstood by other people around. My smile was what eventually Moblit wanted to protect. And I could only be proud of that. I was smiling for him...because, I knew, that was how he would have loved to see me, if he were to be still alive.

The curse of always being strong, even when I was just a frail, broken soul? I kindly accepted it.

But when I was given his green cape Moblit had left me in his wil... I couldn't help myself any longer.

I broke down and cried like a child. Loudly and for a long time. I was grieving, inconsolable.

I was never to be the adult between us too. Even though the one who'd never get the opportunity to grow anymore would be him.

I cried all the tears I hadn't cried in ages, for him and all the comrades I had lost. All those tears I had hidden and covered and supressed behind my smiles.

But when my last tear rolled down on my check, I was ready to take charge of my life again, maybe even more than I had ever done before.

"Anywhere, I would follow you" Moblit used to say. But he was now somewhere _I_ couldn't and wasn't supposed to go for now.

Moblit had left me behind with a task still to fulfill. Humanity to save and researches to complete. And now, I had a reason more to accomplish everything. I had to work harder, for him as well. I could not waste his sacrifice.

So "I would go on until the end", that was my promise. "Wait for me, please, I will come to show you my discoveries when I am finished. I'll take care of everything here in the meanwile...I'll do my best to bring you good news when I'll come. And to come as late as I can...I'll take better care of myself..."

As always Moblit was just going ahead to check the safety of the path I was about to walk through, sooner or later. Preemtive and ccaring as usual.

I didn't want to waste the precious opportunity he gave me at the cost of his life. Responsibility. I had never had a better understanding of the meaning of that term.

I was not to let my sorrow steal my future.

And the best I could draw from this tragedy was not my mistakes alone, but the willingness not to fail ever again.

"Goodbye... I'll miss you, Moblit" I said, leaving his tomb with a grin.

No one would have ever been able to replace him, I thought, wearing his cape while heading to my laboratory. Of that, I was sure.

-author's corner-  
Thank you if you have survived until the end xD  
Just a note: the cover img is me in Hanji cosplay, for a set I did mainly to be a companion of this post on the Aot Amino community. If you are interested in more phs, go check them on my fb profile arydubhecosplay or instagram arydubhe. And take a look on my Amino profile Arydubhe - Hanji the veteran for more stuff!


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